31 Thirstdays #281014: Have My Heart

You will seek Me & find me,
When You seek Me with all of your heart… – Jeremiah 31:3

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Hmmmm… Kinda a back & forth of God’s move, then our response, then His promised response to our response, followed by our response, furthered by His fulfilment of His promises.

A conversation, between Father & daughter, appropriately an exchange, rather than a declaration / unanswered petition.

Interesting that Your declaration of promises comes, then comes my response. “Then” felt like, I am not expected to move on blank knowledge / thin air, but based on a revelation of You & Your desires for me.

I know You’ve moved, many steps, now it is my move… Towards You, and what You have prepared for me.

A definite hope, a definite ending.

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31 Thirstdays #261014: Re-circuiting (2)

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Hoping for a new heart & new perspectives of Abba & what He wants to do in & eventually, through me.

The re-circuit includes a change in perspective that “freedom from chains”, that it is not “no more temptations / struggles from now on”, but being freed from bondages, shame & guilt. Being able to face God, without fear / shame. Being able to choose, to walk away, from temptations. Rather than succumb without even having the strength to fight. Freedom to see the truth, and discern the lies of the Devil spoken over my life.

Plus, the freedom to tap on the unending strength & power of God, to move on from the past.

Jubilee:
Freedom from sin & chains & debts
Restoration of all that’s lost: finances, calling, love
New beginnings

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5-Minutes Friday: Dare

Brought a tear, amidst my commute to a course, as I browsed through the FMF lead post by Kate Motaung. The part about following God, even when it hurts.

I walked away, cos it hurt too much to bear. Tried a life without much regard of Abba, and recognise, it’s time to give myself a chance, to walk with Abba the right way.

Daring to go against what the world whispers as norms – that I am entitled to this & that. I would let go of my rights, and let Him provide.

Dare to hope again, cos the past will remind me that I’ve been sorely disappointed, mainly by well-meaning people, who are hurting & trying to find their way as well. To move forward, ignoring & eventually silencing the noise, desperately trying to break down what little hope I have left, that His plans are to prosper me, never to put me in harm’s way.

Daring to love people & commit to friends again, allowing Abba to help me be wise & discerning, who to allow into the intimate thoughts, and who to keep at arm’s length, being there when they may need me, when I am up to it.

Daring to commit to serving Him again, despite the haunting consequences of imbalanced decisions in the past. Abba will help me do it right, in His time, by His prompting.

Daring to let someone into my life properly, to commit in a Godly way of loving, though the acidity of hurt is so very real when things go awry. I surrender my choices to Him, He will make clear the suitable one.

Dare to dip my feet into the water again.


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31 Thirstdays #231014: Re-circuiting (1)

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Was cutting some materials in preparation for training & noticed how I was using a lot of strength to push the blade into the paper. Was ensuring I would have a clean cut, instead of having to “cut over” a 2nd time.

Then it suddenly occured to me that I could try just lightly sliding the blade over, instead of applying so much strength. The results might be what I want as well: seeing the material cut out perfectly.

So releasing my grip, I held the blade firmly but only applying gentle force (oxymoron?! Lol…), the blade slided along the cut lines. And voila! The material came out as what I would like it to!

Started me thinking perhaps I have been taking life a little too intensely many a times. I have learnt, thru many situations, that it’ll be so much better for my sanity to just let go & take it easy. I have evolved, never a control freak, but learnt to not take things so hard. More to learn I guess, but yes, think I need to have a lighter take of life at large.

Perhaps, to learn to let go, and let God, more.

 

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31 Thirstdays #201014: Garbaging

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Am on task to slowly clear out my room, throwing away stuff that have been stored for eons & not been in use. Part of challenging myself to minimise my life to a suitcase or two if possible. Maybe also cos I would like to be able to move around easily if possible, in future.

I realise that even garbaging stuff also has its set of required skill. For me, I learnt speed of decision, quick qualifying questions (useful? using within next week? spoilt? expired? Anyone else can benefit from having it?), chucking into the rubbish bag, and most important step of all:

do not take a second look. 

Made me wonder about my past issues which I thought I’ve left well behind. I wonder if I am an emotional-hypochondriac: screaming in pain & reacting to every pain that comes into my heart & soul. Over-sensitivity to issues? Hanging on to those issues, as if they have formed part of my identity.

Sure, those experiences & traumas have formed me, as a person, so far. They have built strength & much wisdom, as well as a fair amount of cynicism. Some amount is healthuly, keeps us in check. A larger than manageble dose makes one sink into hopelessness.

I wondered about throwing away my past issues, as per throwing away my unwanted stuff. Can I just chuck them in the bin, and not take a 2nd look at them? Till it’s necessary or needful?

Or maybe, never needed?

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31 Thirstdays

31 Thirstdays #181014: Pace

Am on my way… Even though the end is not in sight, i am on my way.

That seems to be what the Holy Spirit is nudging me to do: to trudge on, just keep walking & not give up. The raging battles will make sense in due time, the times of solitude will yield its fruits, the loss will be recovered.

I am going at my pace, slow perhaps, but necessary. Am trying not to be rushed by the future, nor slowed down by the past. I’ll get there, somehow, in good time, in His time, to be where I’m meant to be.

Paced… By Abba… I’ll get there…

 

31 Thirstdays

31 Thirstdays #171014: Responsibility Fatigue

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Another aspect which surfaced while I was thinking through over blank spots during a mind-draining workday. I actually enjoy working hard & focusing my mind really, cos it takes my mind off the constant ache in my heart over the past 2 weeks. Am in a period that everything seems to be coming at me – from the past I mean, the loose ends, the wounds which didn’t exactly heal, the questions which I thought I have managed to process eons ago. Or so I thought…

Responsibility fatigue. Seemingly a condition which is attributing burn-out. Perhaps that is what I am feeling – burn-out. More of the emotional aspect. Perhaps I have never recovered from the spiritual/emotional/mental burn-out from 5 years ago, when I left the ministry. Interestingly, today, while I was having my psych-assessment interview, I actually requested for a counsellor without a religious background. Guess I’m kinda not so receptive to the “feel-good-for-now” stuff anymore. I wanted a permanent, gradual, practical change.

Responsibility is something which I feel naturally as an eldest child. I remember reading somewhere that it is an eldest child syndrome. We tend to feel much more responsible for those around us, carefully making decisions with considerations of those who will be affected by our lives. Well.. don’t we all have to be responsible, as adults? As eldest kids, we feel it more strongly than, say the youngest child, when we decide to throw in the resignation letter without a job in sight. Someone will cover the gaps somehow – that’s what the youngest child usually thinks. No way I can do that, who’s going to put food on the table? – thinks the eldest.

In ministry, the strong sense of responsibility had me stick on for an extra 6 months, in spite of family objections, to ensure a smooth transition for the work built up but abandoned by a leader. Strong sense of responsibility had me overspend & got into debt, to provide extras for the many trips made overseas. Yes, it will be attributed back to my lack of skilful financial management, of course, even when the “senders” are approached with the issue. I was foolish really, to have devoted that much, without considerations of my future – all because I thought I would have a future with the ministry & the “family” I was meant to trust in. On hindsight, no one really is able to help, I know. We were all busy with our own areas of responsibilities. I really do hope, no one else was as foolish as I was & is still paying for the consequences of imbalanced decisions made in the past.

Am tired. Once again. Think I kinda threw off the “fetters” of the spiritual responsibilities some 5 years ago – and did what I can to move the boundaries & stretched my imagination. Now that I’m falling back into my better senses, another set of “responsibilities” seems to be weighing me down. Perhaps, it is not the fear of responsibilities, perhaps it is that of having to carry too much, when I could do with some help. I noticed this loss of courage for adventures, this loss of excitement for even having fun & hanging out over good food. I am currently existing – just surviving day to day.

Tough to go through this alone. But they say, it is usually a very personal battle – where you need to fight your way through, that you may recognise the knots which need to be untied. These knots are usually deemed silly to onlookeers, or bewildering. But to me, and I know, God the Father, it is nakedly real.

Storm. Will just sit through this first. It’ll pass, as per all storms.

31 Thirstdays

31 Thirstdays #141014: Tacit

During the healing process, one of the things I find helpful to do is to chat with kindred spirits in the same journey. Somehow, often, many insights into root issues seems to be surfaced, just by the back-&-forth mirroring of things.

I was discussing the process of clarifications & resolution of a condition of thought with a friend, how he has sought help from clinical psychiatrists. Went for some counselling sessions & I can see quite a fair bit of improvement in his ability to manage that particular issue, which has rendered him breathless at times, reeling from being stuck in the spiral.

It set me thinking about my seeking healing from the various things melded together. I was thinking this morning about the attributing of blame & responsibility, reasonably, to people involved, including myself. I have a tendency to take a lot of blame for occurrences / failures, but learning more, to see clearly the responsibility I need to take & the difference between self-inflicted hurt & hurt inflicted by others.

Been brought up, by religious leaders, in always taking responsibility for my own decisions, no matter how much “encouragement” / grooming / priming those un authority has done. At the end of the day, volition is mine, and therefore, I have to take full responsibility for my decisions, especially when bad consequences comes about. I recently, and increasingly recognise, that those in authority has responsibility over the decisions made, due to the strong suggestions given, and the trust given to them by me, when I am brought to a place of trust in their “hearing from the Almighty”.

Nah… Not on a witch hunt, but wanting to see things in a clearer perspective. And glad I am relegating portions of the eventual “blame” reasonably, in order for me to see things clearly & forgive myself where neccessary. And yes, forgiving others, even though no apologies are given, or they may never see their part of the blame.

With the semi-effective healing that has taken place so far in healing services, prayers, etc, am needing to seek an alternative perspective. A, grateful for the “feel-better” sessions, but I don’t seem to be able to practically walk out of it properly, for long-term.

Needing practical handles, the day-to-day management. Cos perhaps, the miraculous breakthrough is not coming for me. Perhaps, my journey is that of the step-by-step, tacit, experiential & grating.

But I know I just need to keep walking, I’ll get there… Somehow.

 

31 Thirstdays