Another aspect which surfaced while I was thinking through over blank spots during a mind-draining workday. I actually enjoy working hard & focusing my mind really, cos it takes my mind off the constant ache in my heart over the past 2 weeks. Am in a period that everything seems to be coming at me – from the past I mean, the loose ends, the wounds which didn’t exactly heal, the questions which I thought I have managed to process eons ago. Or so I thought…
Responsibility fatigue. Seemingly a condition which is attributing burn-out. Perhaps that is what I am feeling – burn-out. More of the emotional aspect. Perhaps I have never recovered from the spiritual/emotional/mental burn-out from 5 years ago, when I left the ministry. Interestingly, today, while I was having my psych-assessment interview, I actually requested for a counsellor without a religious background. Guess I’m kinda not so receptive to the “feel-good-for-now” stuff anymore. I wanted a permanent, gradual, practical change.
Responsibility is something which I feel naturally as an eldest child. I remember reading somewhere that it is an eldest child syndrome. We tend to feel much more responsible for those around us, carefully making decisions with considerations of those who will be affected by our lives. Well.. don’t we all have to be responsible, as adults? As eldest kids, we feel it more strongly than, say the youngest child, when we decide to throw in the resignation letter without a job in sight. Someone will cover the gaps somehow – that’s what the youngest child usually thinks. No way I can do that, who’s going to put food on the table? – thinks the eldest.
In ministry, the strong sense of responsibility had me stick on for an extra 6 months, in spite of family objections, to ensure a smooth transition for the work built up but abandoned by a leader. Strong sense of responsibility had me overspend & got into debt, to provide extras for the many trips made overseas. Yes, it will be attributed back to my lack of skilful financial management, of course, even when the “senders” are approached with the issue. I was foolish really, to have devoted that much, without considerations of my future – all because I thought I would have a future with the ministry & the “family” I was meant to trust in. On hindsight, no one really is able to help, I know. We were all busy with our own areas of responsibilities. I really do hope, no one else was as foolish as I was & is still paying for the consequences of imbalanced decisions made in the past.
Am tired. Once again. Think I kinda threw off the “fetters” of the spiritual responsibilities some 5 years ago – and did what I can to move the boundaries & stretched my imagination. Now that I’m falling back into my better senses, another set of “responsibilities” seems to be weighing me down. Perhaps, it is not the fear of responsibilities, perhaps it is that of having to carry too much, when I could do with some help. I noticed this loss of courage for adventures, this loss of excitement for even having fun & hanging out over good food. I am currently existing – just surviving day to day.
Tough to go through this alone. But they say, it is usually a very personal battle – where you need to fight your way through, that you may recognise the knots which need to be untied. These knots are usually deemed silly to onlookeers, or bewildering. But to me, and I know, God the Father, it is nakedly real.
Storm. Will just sit through this first. It’ll pass, as per all storms.