Listened to this song, randomly, while showering last night. Set some thoughts going since then. One battle I have had in my heart, since embarking on an alternative search of God, through taking a lot more control & responsibility over my choices, is this aspect of tears.
I have, over the course of the entirety of this blog, over 2 years 7 months to be exact, cried many tears, some joyful tears, most heartbroken ones. I know it started with tears which were due to effects of choices / advice / words of others. Over time, especially over the last year or so, tears have been a result of my own choices, my taking control over my life. I am not going to deny, in effect, I have squeezed Abba into a corner. A corner where I let Him watch my life, but never have any say in it, like a spectator.
Yet, I know that over the recent sorrows & heartbreaks, it is evident that He has been there, all the way, never left me an inch. Even when bad choices were made over & over, He was watching over me, perhaps making sure the consequences were revokable, were redeemable, were eraseable. Told a friend that I hope His grace will not run out on me. She reminded me it’s time we have, that is more limited, compared to the limitless grace of God.
Grace, has never left me alone, I know. I have never felt alone throughout. Perhaps my desire for a companion was really a search for someone to know me intimately, a replacement of the Almighty of sorts. Perhaps, rebelliously, to prove Him wrong, to not depend on Him so much, cos He seems to have closed many doors of my “joy”.
Yet when I look back, there is a recurring theme: I have been protected, no doubt, from many likely heartbreaks, eventually the death of my heart.
Therefore, my thirst today, is really to stop putting Abba in the corner, to allow Him to slowly inch back into different aspects of my life. No reckless abandonment yet. But a step begins a thousand.
So deep breath, here goes.