Learning to love is a lifelong pursuit. Just when you reckon you’ve sorta, somewhat had an aha! moment, love takes you right back to a portion of what you’ve somewhat been through before, but not quite there yet. Thought I’ve learnt quite a fair bit, from various wise experienced advisors, and also my own rock-filled path of loving someone. Yet, seems like I’m beginning on another journey of learning – different person perhaps, different life-station (nearing middle-age), different expectations, different temperaments & approach to life as of current. Think I’ve passed 101 somewhat, 201 was painful no doubt, but both gave me insightful wisdom to what it is to love: love yourself, that you may love another properly.
No longer the insecured issues per se, of if I’m good enough to be loved. I know am not perfection, nor crazy beauty, but I have great stuff to bring to my partner-in-life. I would dare say I am rather confident of seeing my partner blessed & loved properly by yours truly. Sure, I will have my hiccups, my weaknesses, but I am willing to work through issues reasonably. Not the throw-towel-easily type, not the insecured ‘what-if-he-is-unfaithful’ type (I’ll just leave if he decides another is more interesting! lol… no need to think too much!), not the clingy type (hell no! don’t cling to me either per-lease!).
The issue is that of moving to a new chapter on a clean slate. Blank page for this journey of love to splash its unique colours on. Blank lines for new words (nicknames, poetries, songs, memories) to be written upon. Blank music sheet to write new scores on.
I realise some ghosts of the past is still there, haunting me from time to time, as I embark on this journey. Especially what if another curveball comes along? You’re in love, everything seems absolultely dream-scape / it’s-finally-happening-to-me / happily-ever-after, and wham! Something bad happens & defaullts the beautiful story. Literally stops. Suddenly. Cruelly. Forcefully spinning your life in another direction.
I guess, the only I can do is to trust, to process my fears, my uncertainties & just put my heart into it when it warrants my commitment. Pray, hope for the best, allow the Almighty to take care of us. As I was pondering this, the daily Bible verse app popped up:
I’ll take it & put the ghosts to rest. Might have to do it many times, but I’ll make my choice to trust, and hopefully, graduate to 401 in due time, loving the same Man.