Think perhaps it’s a recurring theme which I am getting better at managing. Started with my childhood buddy who suddenly came down with a high fever, never came home. Memories remained at our last chess game where he moved a piece “accidentally” so that I could win the game. So much fun, a big brother, gone, suddenly.
Then came the ex-bf who after conversations about plans of life & kids together over 5 years, decided to just call it quits, without much of an explanation. Till today, am not quite sure what has gone wrong, exactly.
Then comes a recent sudden passing of a good friend, with so many unfinished conversations, so many plans unfulfilled.
Have taught myself, pretty much how to seek closure on my own. Especially through the default of the first serious relationship. Takes some flipping back & forth anger, love, questions, supposed answers, then more questions, going over conversations / moments – memories are milked to death, to make sense of the current state of loss. Was there something I missed when we last talked? Was it what I said? Was I too harsh / expect too much? Yadah yadah…
The issue of these situations is that even if one does not wish to accept the end, it is there, stark, undeniable. No explanations, no negotiations, no grounds for doubt. Key of moving on is whether we’re willing to accept the fact, vent our whatever-questions, and become satisfied with our own answers, explanations, excuses for the sentences which abruptly deafulted mid-way.
I feel, for those who had gone through abandonement, unexpected loss of someone dear, estrangement without real reasons. The first thing that happens is usually blame – self / subject of loss / others / environment. A desperate plea of sorts to make sense of the trauma.
The worst & deepest form is that of blaming self, I realised. Worst because, many are stuck because of this. Sure, we each need to take some amount of responsibility for a relationship gone wrong, but only what is necessary. And learn, aplogise & move on. Whether or not the apology is accepted & forgiveness dispensed. Lack of closure there: cos unsure if you are forgiven, released from awkward-unable-to-look-in-eye interactions. However, I realised as well, that it’s better to have done my part, in apologising, rather than live in shame. The dispensation of forgiveness will entirely be the responsibility of the other party. I am released from blame, and seek closure that way.
We kind of realise, not that we are not aware, that the squabbles, the anger, the betrayal, the tensions – it is kind of nullified by endings. None of these matters any more, when there’s permanent loss. From a past tough stint overseas, the closure was “Lord, only the good memories, please. Cos I don’t want to become cynical against what’s essentially good.”
Learnt, and reminded again: not to leave some things unsaid, till tomorow. Appreciate where thanks are due, love where affections is bubbling, forgive where apologies are humbly offered, cherish where treasured moments are created. Leave nothing good unsaid, while some stuff may be wisely left unspoken.
Live for the moment, love those in front of us, savour the throbs of heartbeats around.