Thirstday #55: Endings-Phobic

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This is going to be the 2nd time I thought about restarting the game: Virtual Village. Tamagochi of sorts,  where you manage the food production, spirituality, science & discoveries, construction of shelters, etc. To ensure you keep the village alive.

Why restart? 1st time I encountered deaths x 2 – babies who died cos of lack of food. Then, 4 adults died, including all the males in the village. No more reproduction prowess per se. Survival? Yeah well, I could always “buy” a basketful of babies with enough accumulated tech points – money of sorts to advance the village’s functions. But that’s not the way of the natural life, yes?

As I thought about restarting the game, to start off on a clean slate, I was also spinning analysis how I should better spend my tech points, therefore advancing the village more effectively. It kind of dawned on me that I don’t take endings very well. Because “game over” for me was that I played the game wrongly / badly, therefore the play ended.

In life & love, after several hits & misses quite a few misses, even the best of us do start wondering: is there something desperately wrong in me? Some blindspots I haven’t noticed all my adult years? Which has been fatally affecting my friendships, relationships, etc? Being relatively introspective & usually not the first to push blame for any failures, I’m starting to wonder about perhaps I’ve got it all wrong somewhere.

Or perhaps, it’s this fear of good things ending – relationships, friendships, etc – that I’ve stopped engaging too deeply once I realise I’m not exactly welcomed to be honest. Well, let’s just say I’m an acquired taste, who takes time to be fully appreciated. I tend to need the person to know a lot of context for him/ her to fully understand what I mean, where I’m coming from, etc. Well, few are in this category I’ve kinda realised.

Maybe the way I’ve approached life is quite formulae-based. You put in ABC, you should be getting XYZ; but here I am, getting DFTH. Lol… Confusing really. Devastating that most of the time, you only get 1 try in the friendship / relationship, then it’s game over, once something happens that they are not impressed.

Cruel? Maybe people just do not have time to relate with imperfect beings aka yours truly. Or perhaps, I am a truly draining person to relate with lol… Unsure really at this point. It’s a good searching process, going deep.

Bloody tough, but I guess it’s got to be done to continue in this regeneration journey. Maybe I’ll do better to just lay low till I can be a glorious being who’s popular & acceptable. Or perhaps, there is just no formulae, just to walk & appreciate without expectations of anyone except myself, that I would be totally disappointment-proof. Lol…

Perhaps that’s also why I’m quite phobic of starting new friendships: the endings seems not entirely palatable so far.

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