Tuesday was a religious holiday for us in my country, good rest in many sense. Brain had been also spinning over the change of texture of a friendship, heart was taking a tad of time to recover from disappointments & in some sense, learning from this episode as well. Interestingly, by the late morning, while having brunch with my family, I suddenly had a moment of clarity.
Well, seemingly, it’s a term that usually refers to men the moment after they’ve cummed, where they seem to have such clarity of mind. For me, think it was the end of the processing of the situation, knowing my parts to take ownership of & parts which were out of my control. Also the dichotomy of what I could change (me, my heart-share / mind-share, my focus, info I feed myself with) & what I can’t (others’ characters, motives, hidden agendas, decisions).
In that moment, it was clear as day:
1. It was a gain, to move on on my own & know I have no need to try to adjust my preferences for someone.
2. I am totally able, though would be nice to have someone, to provide for myself & family.
3. I am now a lot more balanced in my heart, cos I’ve become nonchalant about the persons’ lives.
4. I am professionally & intellectually sufficiently mature to manage career progression, where I have no need to beg for anyone’s support & feel disappointed when I don’t feel supported.
5. I’ve been able to find my own way in life, no biggie, will survive excellently.
6. No longer regretting the lost possibilities of what the relationship could’ve offered in future.
7. A lot happier, cos I’m not needing to wonder & try to decode others actions anymore.
8. Very clear how much we both have to change to accommodate each other in a serious relationship, likely will stifle each other as well.
True story. I shouldn’t have to beg to be loved. As always when I finally walked away & let go, I’m past anger. It’s just acceptance & moving on now. Not looking nor waiting, just gonna enjoy my life, fill it with experiences, according to my own pace. Simple, uncomplicated.