Thirstday #51: Courage to <3

* ❤ = Love (in internet speak)

Saw a pattern in a recent budding romantic interest, which stirred up a tad of some leftover fears & perhaps, I’m kinda afraid again. I am afraid of how things will turn out. I chickened out basically. Have started retracting my heart – not a lot but enough to have me go imbalanced. Funny that I’m supposed to have just returned from a super-fun holiday! Lol…

Perhaps, I just really dislike this feeling of vulnerability, of the “power” an individual has over me, of this feeling of being weak, yet unsafe & unsure cos the damage can be severe.

Pain in the heart once again? Breathless sobs? Not really wanting that to happen again, really. Though I can see signs of it ensuing lol… This is why I’m retracting. Cos I’m not confident of working it through, I don’t feel safe as so far what I’ve received seems to be a re-enactment of the past. Walling-up, few words & most of all, hardly there for me.

I remembered telling myself that I don’t believe in manipulating / coercing someone to love me. Affections has to be spontaneous, from the heart, according to the partner’s style. I’ve dropped sticks along the path, but there’s not much response, weak attempts if any at all. I’m left wondering, and call me impatient, but I’m tired of wondering. I shouldn’t have to beg to connect, to feel secured, to feel his affections. Most of all, I shouldn’t have to sieve out evidences through investigative thought that he’s into me.

Bottomline: he’s just not that into me, or there is another interest more suitable.

My worth is not decreased, I’m very clear of that. But I’m kinda sad that I’ve lost a potentially good friend for life. We’ve crossed certain boundaries, which will take time to repair. Maybe he’s able to take it in stride, I need space to normalize.

This is the reason why I’m afraid of ever letting my heart engage. Now I’ll have to pick up some pieces… C’est la vie, I guess…

image

And nah, maybe am just really unlucky in this department of life. Will take a longer break & just have fun I guess. Lol… 🙂

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