Thirstday #41: Mumbled Desires

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Just musing with a guy friend about the possibility of having a child on my own, as a single – adopt / foster / donor. Well.. got me thinking about the long & short of the entire possibility. Recent contact with kids / toddlers / babies kind of stirred the maternal instinct in me once again. Yet, am currently in the PMS-emo days of my cycle, so yeah, perhaps, I am less rational, less logical & a lot more emo. hhahahaha….

Did an initial research & saw that getting preggy with a donor is not too expensive. Gotta be done in a neighbouring country though, as home city has legal limitations, moral & ethical concerns in the medical law – especially that pertaining to single parents. I have a ready donor who has good health (mostly) & desirable DNA. Ideally, it would be a no-brainer, if I just want to have a kid to nurture & love & raise. I’ll still have energy to run around with the kid, till around 60, where he/she will be around 20 years old, kinda ready to stand independent. That is if this project goes smoothly when I’m 40 & ovaries have eggs left.

The issue as I thought about it was triggered by the friend’s reminder that he will only be providing the DNA through the swimmers, but nothing more. Gallantly, I assured him, of course. Just the swimmers, no other commitment needed. That’s the reason why it’ll be more objective to manage since it’s just a DNA transaction, rather than an emotional & physical attachment through copulation.

But something dinged in me a few moments later. Do I just want to have a child & raise him/her on my own? Without a partner to provide the other perspective, the support & the co-decisions needed, as well as the rational pillar when I crumble emotionally in crisis. Think at the end of the day, it would be ideal to have a companion really. To walk through life together, including having a brood of kiddies & yes, most recently added as an ideal state, to be able to bike-tour together with him, kids in tow. 🙂

The fact that I enjoy the current state of being emotionally-unattached & relating purely on objective & friendship terms with men around me still stands firmly. I relish that I can talk deeply with my male buddies, without having this emotional-latching that happened so often in the past. Successfully compartmentalised my heart finally. I am confident of what I can bring to friendships, boundaries which I will keep (eg. no sexual relations), as well as my fierce loyalty to those close to me.

Yet, when it comes to the crunch, I do greatly appreciate having someone fuss over / pamper / passionately hold / need / think of / miss me / decide on life plans with me in mind. I will pamper / love / support / balance / sound-board / give sweet “cherries” to the one in my life too. Thus I guess, bottomline for me at this point in time, perhaps is really a companion for a lifetime, or at least a season if possible.

Having a little-me somewhere will complicate life quite a fair bit. Especially in this city which does not encourage single-parenting. Will be expensive & also tough-going. I’ll probably miss the freedom to feed my wanderlust, spontaneity, as well as moolahs all to myself. 😛

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