Think as I was listening to a song about the heart of a servant to the Almighty, I had a back & forth cajouling with Abba. I asked Him with all my heart: could I love You, call You my Lord, but not serve You?
Definitely, not the way I used to serve. Ministry has become a taboo to me. A scary thing actually. Thinking back, I know for sure, step by step, You have been there. I would not have survived without You. But I really, really, do not want to serve with only 5% personal joy & most of the time struggling so much internally. Perhaps, it was a wrong footing that I started with in my youth. Perhaps, zeal blinded my better senses. I am truly just afraid of going back to serving with that intensity, with that abandonment, with that lack of consideration of my family.
Sure, I understand that there are times when sacrifices need to be made. However, think I am learning to redefine servanthood. I see the picture of a servant waiting at the feet of the Master, only going when the Master bids. Not needing to heed the leading of other servants, but only the Master. I don’t think You are bad. But I reckon it was having finite humans, who built a finite system, perhaps in certain instances, without Your leading. Or perhaps, in a moment of weakness & multiple pressures, they thought they heard You correctly.
I am not bitter. I just want to redefine what it means to serve You, without fear of my future, of my family’s future. Redefine what it means to serve alongside You, only responding to Your bidding, no one else’s.
Lord, Abba, I love You. I want to be Your channel of love, blessings & healing. But I truly need to see what You really mean when You called me to serve You. Without those extra voices, those extra expectations, those extra rules & regulations….