16:46hrs. Office. Break from the Daily Mundane.
Taking a look back at my last 8 months since taking a step out from a comfort zone, it has been interesting, as I discovered more how when one’s world is broken into pieces, one sees much more clearly the importance of self-care. However, taking self-care / self-preservation as an excuse to become a selfish prick is a thin line which can be easily crossed, if not careful.
The scraping process has started to take an intense turn. Perhaps cos I have deliberately signed up for a healing session. Yet in this healing ministry, I am meant to come with a “problem”. I understand the posture for a recipient of healing. To recognise the issue & also being willing to acknowledge that there is a need for work on that wound. The cynical part of me screams: but it’s all culminated! I can’t even pin-point the root! That’s precisely why I need help – for diagnosis…
Well… I guess as an ex-pastoral leader, I know enough to see where the root issues are. Have been diagnosing enough for others & prescribing solutions / comfort as led by the Almighty for years. I know model answers inside out for sometimes the deepest paradoxes about our experiences vs God’s promises. Yet, I am needing some help to diagnose the rage & angst that’s storming in my soul.
Crushed spirit. Exactly what my broken heart responded to. I have come to recognise the Holy Spirit’s touch & nudging on the various wounds over the years. Some have been healed, some freshly opened, some freshly scraped. Yes, when tears roll, and the heart aches, I know it is exactly that bit that needs work.
And so, I say sorry to those around me who are probably thinking I am suddenly withdrawn & disengaged. Fact is, I really do not want to lash out cynical philosophies of experiences upon your currently hunky-dorey life. For someone who is even in anguish against her Maker, it is only natural to become envious, jealous, find-life-not-so-funny at this point – which is lashed out in weird outbursts of cynicism & displeasure & disapproval of your laughter & joy. The season for which I don’t have a specified duration.
I lack. I envy. I recognise. I let go to the Almighty.
I know He can be trusted, He is altogether good. eventually I’ll get there. Once I get through the broken bits.
Abba: I am not the God of could’ve-beens nor what-ifs. I am the God who makes good of your could’ve-beens & what-ifs, into the good that is to come. Jer 29:11 Rom 8:28 #NewWine #SoakDiva