As I embark on perhaps another journey to see another wound opened, scraped, eventually healed, I realise that it’s another portion that I am now putting into words – giving myself permission to go into the irrational, in order to reach the rational path of healing.
By irrational I mean specifically going into what I have been educated not to do – place blame on others, be it the situation / circumstance / people / even God. Yeap. As good believers, we don’t want to even tread there, but I realise if I don’t verbalise, I won’t be able to hear what He has to speak into the issue.
Contradiction of sorts, brutally honest to my Maker, I realise that when I delved into the irrational, I am now able to rationally & clearly recognise what is there to forgive. Foolishness of my own decisions to “follow”, without questions. A reason why zeal without knowledge is absolutely dangerous. There’s wisdom involved in having maturity as the foundation of zeal. Responsible decisions, with wise & objective counsel.
Honest to the core, I don’t blame anyone involved in the entire process. At least not at the moment. The Almighty seems to have alluded that humans are fallible & are limited by their circumstances + level of maturity + level of wisdom + level of exposure to life issues, etc. As I look back, it was a bad combination of multiple crises, where even the best of us will fail. Depending on the Almighty, all things are possible right? Sure, if we are totally emptied of our tainted selves & fully considering others according to how God would have us do.
Think we were expected to grow up too fast, to take up too much responsibility over lives when we were way below par. Depending on God, should be good, ain’t it? Sure, when I am not selfish / self-centered. Am sure many, especially my family, have tasted my set of immature reactions. Actually, they probably suffered certain consequences as a result of my childish ways. Which is probably the reason why I am feverishly trying to make up, to ensure I try my best to provide for my family, while finding sanity in the various hurdles life brings.
For now, after relinquishing having to stand for the “cause”, I am giving myself permission to attribute blame, to find fault, to lash out at the circumstance. Maybe there will be people involved, I may also blame myself for a major part, for being naive & overly trusting. However, it will be my personal journey, my private battles with Abba.
That I may find the healing dew that comes in the desert storm, while I walk through recollections of the war, recounting each battle, each defeat, each heartache.