A familiar word these days – which I realised I have been shunning constantly. Interesting cos I am one who loves to imagine, to see things in future, to visualise the utopia state of things.
If things work out, that is.
Had a bit of a disappointment recently which minorly reeled me somewhat to the place where I had to face the forced closure of a chapter in my life. That, for which I have imagined to be filled with ups & downs, and have managed every down with much gusto. That
eventually abruptly got aborted. It brought me to a place where I seemed to have lost a part of me, some amount of purposefulness, some courage to imagine the future.
Sometimes the Almighty just brings me to the place where I had to look at things squarely. Well… actually, I think it’s a frequent occurrence with me somehow. Lol… An interpretation of a familiar verse in Proverbs 13:12:
Hope deferred makes a heart sick.
The preacher took a square look at the verse, brought attention to the story of the Shulammite woman’s cry of not raising her hope of having a child, for she has been barren for so many years. Hope – squarely hope itself, not the thing hoped for – when not present, not seen, makes the heart sick indeed. Afraid to hope, so that I won’t need to manage disappointments. Makes sense?
Lately, I realised by declaring my enjoying singleness, not needing a partner in life, as I have learnt to be content. A question that sometimes creep into my heart: Really? I have also told some friends that I like my being in a strong state at this point, not needing a man in my life, etc. Too much complications really, having to accommodate another in my life. Contentment with singleness? Coming to terms that there is a high chance of remaining single? Finally finding strength in depending solely on the Maker?
Or maybe, just maybe, I am afraid to imagine, to dream, to desire. My heart has grown sick, because of being afraid to hope. Resignation. Surrendering to life’s reality.
There… I said it, admitted, looked at it squarely. Now… Do Your un-knotting, Abba.