Thirst-day #10: Candid to Pain

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This Korean movie (with English subs) which I came across on Christmas Day hermitting @ home. Great rest I must say for a public holiday, an uber long weekend. A really quiet one I must say – home alone, with family all over the world over the Christmas holiday. And a decision to bite the bullet for yet another huge transition in my life.

The storyline is based on the protagonist who is a loan shark, who chases for money from people by a new style: guilt. Well, guilt is inflicted on the people who owed him money, by inflicting pain on himself. So it goes like this: he’ll go to the person’s residence to collect money owed. When they refuse to pay, he’ll run himself into the nearest wall, crack his head & bleed on their walls. Or have his partner beat him to a pulp. All so those ho owe money can feel guilt & relent to paying. Seems to work well in Seoul. Well, at least in that movie. Lol…

He is a sad case of a human cyborg – can’t feel no pain, cos of a trauma, he developed a condition of analgesia – the inability to feel pain. It is more of a psychological situation – felt so much pain, that one develops the inability to feel pain as an armour.

Kind of speaks to my own state of mind… Or is it heart? Am biting the bullet, cos I realised a passion I’ve nurtured for over 20 years has a gag-effect on me recently. Whenever I am invited to work on something of that area, I feel like a hand is clasping slowly onto my heart for a final pump to burst all its vessels.

There is a cause, I am aware fully of the cause. I know for a fact, after having counseled enough people, to know that once the pain is numbed, it is possible to “move on”, pretend it is healed / non-existent. Then also, for much evidence seen in countless lives, the pain resurfaces, somehow, mostly in the most inconvenient time & space.

And so, I know that I need to finally face the pain from years ago. It’s a wound I talked myself into “healing”, convincing myself that I can’t do anything about it, therefore I needed to just accept the injury & move on. Maybe it was my way of hoping to cope. But after 15 years, the unanswered questions are up again. I am not seeking answers, but seeking to make peace with my own heart – to forgive the specific wounds. To forgive specifically, I need to name the specific offense. Yep.. Have been making excuses for the offense long enough. Time for me to look at it squarely. Not to seek restitution, no apologies needed from no one, for the lost time, for the lost years. I just need to forgive, that I may move on.

So.. It’s back to forgiveness eh? Lol… That I won’t develop analgesia, that I may continue to remain soft to the Almighty, to what He has called me to do.

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