Here I am, after leaving the unfinished degree for a good 15 years, now wanting to return to complete it. Finally. After all this time. Just a little hitch – I’ve lapsed past the allowable pause period of 7 years, which means I now am meant to be considered as a completely new student, with no exemptions based on my past credits. *weak laughter*
Personally, I know I am not doing this to try to prove myself. I am proven, as He has assured me, over the past few months. I have seen how the training over the last 2 decades have proven priceless – bringing me to this place where I have a well-rounded take on most aspects of the business I am in. I have also seen how I have been given situational wisdom, which are based on values & principles taught to me by the Divine Spirit. I am also seeing how He will continue to use me to sow truth into the lives of those I come in touch with.
An ambition has risen in me – to focus on this thing that I am able to do well now. I know this is the requirement of marketplace credibility – credentials, proven by actual assessments, coupled by experience. It’s funny, in this place, I am desiring to move up, to do more, to specialise & eventually lead a team. Yet I know I need the written credentials to move upwards. My hope is that in my 4th decade, I am able to move into specailised skill management & consulting. That, will require me to move to another level in my credentials.
A fleeting thought crossed my mind: where has my time been lost in? Depending if you are the half-glass full or empty person. I have seen in my own life, by the Almighty’s grace, that I have become such a fighter, such tenacity has been built. Through the many breaking down, then death, then resurrection of my heart & spirit again. Stronger. Everytime, decidedly, stronger.
The other side of the coin brings me face to face with the blinding passion which I have lived for the past nearly 2 decades of my life. I call it blinding cos I want to refrain from blaming anyone or anything else at all. It’s easy to place the blame on mentors who didn’t blow the whistle & hauled me away from the “passion” for a season, so that I could learn to be more responsible. Or the academic system which is not very gracious in giving 2nd chances. Or I could also blame the fact that nothing was done to restitute the time & resources I had invested in the “passion”, yet gotten stuck in the failures of the early-days. I have chosen to look past the hard, bizarre stuff. The weird place I have come to become stuck in.
Eventually, we are all responsible for the choices we make in our lives, how we may respond to situations. I would probably choose to make some decisions differently from what I have done in the past. Perhaps an earlier recognition that I am not great at juggling too many balls at a time, when I have not gotten used to the weight & speed of each. I would’ve taken the path of learning one well, doing that one well, and add on along the way the 2nd ball, then master the 2nd & decide if I want to include the 3rd.
Passion, zeal, as they call it, can be absolutely good. I am all for passion. However, it can be blinding. And one can be blinded for a good cause. Blind zeal, or zeal without knowledge. I have come to realise that “knowledge” does not only depict knowledge of things of the Almighty. It also includes knowledge of life, of prioritising, of knowing what is important at different seasons in life.
All said & done, I am moving on. Will be drawing boundaries. Firmly. Taking a firm grip of how I want things to work out. I will still leave the results to the Almighty. However, I will take a stronger stance over the process. To be more responsible about resources which doesn’t come by easily. Therefore, some hard, but pretty necessary decisions will be made.
Give me strength, Abba. To be a better steward of time You have invested in me.