Noticed today that after a super high at work + ministry, I kind of fall into some sort of abyss. Made some decisions to lead my usual hang-out mates to an Asian destination where some work in influencing lives is being carried out. Also, had a high when a client fedback during a post-programme meeting that the participants found working with me refreshing. Nearing the end of the work day, suddenly, my mood drops massively. lol…
One of those days which reminds me of how Elijah reacted right after a spiritual high – calling down fire, defeated the “gods” of the people he was trying to convince. Right after the crusade, he fell into somewhat of a depression. Questioned the Almighty why he was left on his own as the only one left with a convicted heart. Railed at the provisions given. Begged for his life to be taken. Felt as if there was nothing to live for any longer. All of these, after a whole heart-pumping episode of being a channel of the power of the Almighty.
I am aware, of the unseen war that is involved, especially when I make certain decisions which can potentially shake the Kingdom of darkness. The consistency of the Dark One, other than the constant arrows at my heart & worth, shows in the regular barrage of artillery, especially following steps taken to forward my life in the Kingdom. Being aware is one thing. Standing firm during the barrage is another. That I don’t drop off the race halfway. That I may finish the race.
Being a planner, having a blank page is no fun for me. Perhaps that’s my response to recovering. Taking control of my time, my mindshare, my focus. It’s no longer freaky to have a blank page, with no plans, or unable to see ahead. Cos I know Who holds the paintbrush to fill up the page. However, there is now an uncomfortable dissatisfaction of not living my life fully, or even allowing myself to fall into the moping-mode. No more. My mindshare is now too precious a commodity for moping.
I am currently kind of a blank page -thankfully. After purging the final bits of anger & disappointment of the lost cause, I will be once again presented with a nicely-crisped blank page with margins, complete with some space for sketching. A little uncomfortable because am unable to see beyond the next month or so.
But there is also this excitement & expectation of what is around the corner. An openness which has been the way I have looked at life. To what He has in stored for the next chapters of my life.
Taking each step steadily. Soaking up on life at every turn. Living up the moments graced by the Almighty.