It’s the anguish which drove me to kind of the end of my patience. I have heard from the Almighty a verse to share with him, during a prophetic session. Something along the lines of faith. I just made a mental note, but I told the Abba that I’m not really keen to go this route. Especially for someone who has dragged my heart in the mud and stepped all over it – basically treated me like trash.
Quiet moments during the road trip was hard. Especially sitting at the corner of the large vehicle, I was brought back to the various road trips we did while investing in people overseas together. Those were meant to be beautiful memories. But now, they only bring heartache. Our hearts grew closer during those roadtrips.
Then came Sunday when I decided enough was enough. I was anguished, and I really need my space – ie. totally devoid of him. And I felt that my friends around me should not be the receiving end of my rubbish anymore. Wrote a pretty brutally honest text – asking him to steer clear of my zone. I sent it, along with much sarcasm of how he likes to pretend all is well with his soul, through another friend. Because I didn’t want to taint my phone with a direct message with him.
I felt, interestingly, freer, after that. Sure, there were moments when I wondered if I have lost him forever, even as a friend. The mind is quite a wonderful thing: you can adjust it and condition it to think the drift that you want it to float on eventually. And that probably has been what I was doing: conditioning my brain to not love him any more than he deserves. Sure, all I say here is out of balance. But well, at least I feel more in control. Sane-r. Less insane.
Same thing as my take on life now – I want to be in control. I am not keen to try too many new things perhaps. Unless I have certain control over at least 50% of the elements involved. Starting to show – control, planning, predictability. I am getting ready for the middle-age, I guess lol. Being 4 years away from the big 4th decade, it has started me thinking about retirement! lol…. Retiring as a single person.
Plans has started in terms of leaving the country. After I have settled the family – parents, brother. I would start to save up and plan for a rest house somewhere in Asia first. Then put locals to manage it. We’ll see. Once parents pass, hopefully brother has ability to get a new place – marriage / after 35 yo. Then probably sell the current flat and get a condo for rental income. Or… rent out current flat, go overseas and work / manage the rest house for 2 years, with rental income as supplement. 10 years perhaps. Meantime, earn and keep for a rainy day.
All of these thoughts and plans came about in moments when I felt in control of my life again. Or maybe, more in control of the run-away heart. For the first time in 5 months, I am showing him much anger, kind of directly. I know I would have irked him. Perhaps, it is a path of no-return. Perhaps, it may be a path that will wake him up, finally. Whichever happens, I know he is in Your hands. I let go.
Control which is inspired by anger. Anger is an emotion that I am currently learning about. Perhaps divine lessons afforded by the Divine Voice. I am starting to recognise how true it is that I can’t just skip the anger / suppress the anger, and psyche myself into accepting that “Yeah it is his issue, but I can’t blame him / be angry.” Why the hell shouldn’t I be angry? He basically ravaged my emotional being, nearly knocked the wind out of me.
I sometimes imagine myself as the fallen warrior, who is down on the ground, but after a bit, I punch my fist upwards into the air, trembling, and the crowd cheering, and then I slowly picked myself up and stand upright. Awaiting for the next opportunity to counter-attack. Yeap. Invictus. Unconquerable, undefeated. That’s what I am in Him.
It is possible to ignore his existence – as long as I don’t hear about him, not see him. These days, I dread hearing about him doing ok. Not well, just ok. I get upset. For someone whom I loved with my heart, I am now feeling better when I know he is suffering. lol… The opposite of love is not hate. It is non-chalance. How true! Non-chalanace about his well-being. That I had to condition myself too. Because he is REALLY NOT WORTH my tears and effort.
And so. I notice this truth recently: I need to fully expand my anger, not suppress it. I need to be deeply honest with myself what exactly am I angry with. And I need to stop trying to protect his dignity. True? lol… If people asked, I will just say, he walked out, without reasons valid enough for me. Fair? Absolutely! Godly? I don’t know. lol… Perhaps it is the only way he will wake up and face his issues. Or perhaps he will be driven out of the community, because he doesn’t wish to face me, nor the mentors who are trying to bring him to account for his own life.
In any case, I plan to allow my anger to simmer, and continue to expend as I go along these few weeks. I would like to purge the anger, and therefore I need to let it surface, grow and watch my Abba do his stuff – in transforming me. I visualised todaay, how it would be like to truly, heartily, and abandoningly laugh. Simply because I am tickled, or I have been touched with joy. With this pain long gone, and perhaps having little ones & a loving hubby around me in due time.
So.. stay tuned. Watch me burst into flames, then dissolve in the fiery ball into ashes, and resurrect as a fiery phoenix, who will rise from the ashes.