Catharsis

Standing at the shredder today and shredding, I also listened to some good preaching on “How to Overcome Disappointments” by Bill Johnson. Listened to the 10-minute clip probably 3-4 times.

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Probably one of the most spiritual shredding sessions I have ever known. Lol… but it was good.

You see, have been going through an anger-fit over the past week, starting Tueday. Anguished @ him, and probably at myself as well. Because I am really out of control, feeling kinda fringing on insanity trying to keep peace inside. But well… failed badly at being gentle to people around, because I am so messed up inside. Can’t seemed to even keep basic standards of respecting my earthly Dad. Then of course, the all-familiar anguish with the Almighty. Found myself unable to sing songs during the weekly gathering, because I can’t pretend I am convicted about what I sing.

I noticed today, that the last few days have been, perhaps, the beginning stages of processing of the anguish within me. The start of the purging of the negative roots that got stuck on me cos of the pain. Catharsis.

” Where u’ve had your greatest loss, there lies the invitation for the greatest victory in Him.” – Bill Johnson

This is probably the greatest loss to date for me. It is as such that I felt, again, which I thought has expired its influence on me, the sense of uncertainty, and that I have been left on my own on this. Abba has not protected my heart, as He has said He will: lead both our hearts through safely.

And so I’ve gone ahead to dump my discontent at the Throne Room. And stomped out, leaving the Almighty stopping mid-sentence. Am sulking at why He has left me on my own. Why didn’t He just touch his heart miraculously & we could move forward in life…

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In any case, started listening to some preachings on “How to Overcone Disaplointments”. Think I’ve fringed on dishing these before as to me why can’t anyone get over disappointments if we believe the Almighty? And I guess for me, most of these have repeated things that I know by heart as a counsellor. And those “encouragement” hasn’t really lifted me up per se…

Self-medication doesn’t work & therefore, gotta try desparately to search for the real heals. Interestingly, Bill Johnson is one whom the Abba has spoken through quite a bit. Stuff he has experienced seems to resonate with me quite a bit.

And so the Throne Room concept was introduced. Or rather an improved version. It was said that I should not just go in to meet the King, dump my raw stuff at the King & stomp out. No matter how anguished/  disappointed/  bitter, stand there & let Him respond to you. Ask Him to help you with your unbelief. Stay there till He is heard.

And also there’s the key cornerstone of our understanding of the Almighty: He is good. Period. No doubt about that. No matter what happens, He is forever good.

I now find that hard to accept & sing about it. At this moment. While in the midst of trying to be strong for my ailing family nembers, and trying not to be unfair to him by requesting he disappear from my environment cos he is at fault, and the entire battle that involves arrows aimed straight at my personal worth, and how stressful life is…

Am just this close, to just calling the raid and just give up… The only thing is that I am the only one fighting the 40-man raid.

Is it true that the fiercest battle happens just before victory? Is it true that the darkest hour is just before the break of dawn.

I am trying to just sit still….

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