As I progress in the journey these past 5 months, parts of him has gradually been dropped over a few occasions. I noticed, especially this morning when asked if him and me are currently in marriage-preparation (yes.. there are people who are not in the know still), I just flatly said, “No, we broke up already.” Then it was awkward silence, then massive change of topic and conversations which covered nearly anything under the sun. lol… well… at least there weren’t too many cricket moments.
Of course, over today, I knew he has probably caught sight of me during lunch, and was probably walking a distance behind me on the bridge to our commuting station. I caught sight of him walking across the bridge – even at that distance, close to 70 metres, I could still recognise him. His walk, his posture, his orange polo-t, his bag. The “happy persona” immediately fell silent, while my companion continued sharing her yoga experiences. I was… saddened… at the massive chasm that has been created between 2 souls that met and jived so well, for that many years.
As a reaction to my pain, I decided to leave my ring in the Geocache which we came across today. With a note to bring it faraway from this place of original pain. This ring, in fact, was bought as a token of my commitment to wait for him, when I thought I have heard from Abba about this choice for me. It doesn’t matter now really. So… letting go.
At times, I wish someone would just scold him on my behalf. However, I know now, it is only probably God who can get through to him. No longer the issue of walking away really, but his avoidance of his deeper issue. Perhaps, he might, for the rest of his life, continue to deny what has been discerned, not just by me, but by others around us.
The other night, actually just last night, I found myself just crying out for him to the Abba. For His mercy upon his heart, upon his mind. That he will find peace and release whenever he is in His presence. That he will be restored to the intimacy which he has matured into over time. Even if it means we will never get back together. I accept, I concede defeat, I let go. Just allow him to find You, Abba, Your unconditional love, deeper, more tangible, in his life.
One of my confidantes is probably right in saying that I may be the only one who can crack him currently. He is not being very forthcoming to our mentors so far. And I have been prompted repeatedly that the things I have heard is to be shared with him, that he may heal. I submit to Your leading. In due time, in Your time when both of us are ready to chat about this honestly, we will chat that both can heal properly.
I look forward to real joy exhuberating from within, truly feeling happy for my friends who are attached, married, and going to have kids. I want to celebrate life, Abba, as You have created it. And leave this pain behind.