Another layer being peeled by Abba these 2 weeks. Forgiveness and moving on, and also thoroughly mourning the death of dreams, plans and “should’ve beens”, which died with the death of my heart.
Well… slowly but surely, my heart is dying each day, working hard to let go of the glimmer of hope for his turning around. I’ll get to the place where I can accept what I cannot change (his heart), and forgive the premature death of beautiful “should’ve beens” of a life together. I will continue to mourn the death of possible births, possible family gatherings, possible opportunities to directly influence the little ones currently in the family towards You. Death of many dreams of walking through tough stuff together, which I seemed to have heard You will lead us through.
Truth is, every single occassion where he is talked about, I still hurt inside. And it does take me a day or 2 to recover fully. But what has changed is that tears flow less, the pain is less intense, and unanswerable questions have started to cease. Sign of acceptance of the current realistic situation.
Sometimes, I wonder why You still want to keep me here on earth, and not just take me home. I know, I breathe each day with a certain purpose I do not yet know fully. But yeah, it is a long way home, to the place where no more tears will be shed cos of pain or hurt. But only tears of joy.
The walk of FAITH is to live according to the revelation we have received, in the midst of the mysteries we can’t explain. – Bill Johnson