The way home takes me past stations which holds memories of him. In fact, I have to pass these stations because we live at extreme ends of the city and we’ve always met in the middle.
On days when I needed to take the public transport to & fro work, I have graduated from teary journeys, to holding my tears back, to now back to tear-dotted train rides. Have graduated to another stage in the healing process: locations.
I am now still feeling the pain, though no longer uncontrollably tearing, whenever I near or pass the locations which we shared or where I was intensely processing stuff about him. Am kind of glad we’ve never spent much time near my home, if not I might be escaping from my home a lot. Thank God I have a refuge saved for me.
As I passed the station near his home this evening, I felt pain. Or maybe I should call it an ache, cos it’s no longer breathtaking pain. A thought came, which I reckon is the Divine Voice. Why not consider heading to these locations, one by one, as part of the healing process?
My heart seems to give out a resounding “Yeah! More extreme heart-sport!” Lol…. Basically, am needing to put my heart to hard work again.
1. List out locations which still brings tears.
2. Go to location where pain is felt, starting from the most intense, working down the scale.
3. Park self for a couple of hours at location.
4. Allow pain to surface and identify the memories.
5. Write down on a piece of paper.
6. Allow tears to flow.
7. Tie paper to a helium balloon.
8. Chat with Abba about memories while holding onto balloon.
9. Release balloon, as an act of letting go to God.
10. Ask Abba for new beautiful memories to be made in the same place in due time.
Well… with the balloons, I might not do it, depending if I have access to any at that point. Lol…
I know, for sure, Abbas wants me to meet him eventually. Key objective is for both of us to heal. And I also know that the posture that is required of me when I meet him is that of having forgiven him. No unprocessed anger, just honesty and desiring to see him heal. I’ll get there, eventually.
I am starting to cease feeling pain for the thought that I am a sacrificial lamb that he may be cornered & heal. Am not a saint to be so holy to sacrifice for someone else… lol… Not cos am hardening in heart. More cos am accepting and seeing that God had not intended for him to run away at all, in walking into the relationship. He is meant to heal through a process. Perhaps with me cheering him on the side. However, he has made a choice, same choices made 2 heartbreaks before mine. And he is now cornered by the choices he made.
He has never known unconditional love fully. Perhaps as a concept. And now, Abba is cornering him, that he may taste for himself, what agape is, directly from the Almighty. That he may eventually find freedom from his past, freedom to face his pain, freedom to trust another without double-guessing their motives of loving him. Or even start believing someone could actually love him this way…
And knowing this unconditional love is only possible with brokenness. Been there many times, each time deepening another layer of Abbas agape for me.
I ask, Abba, for freedom for him, in fully breaking down in face of Your unconditional & everlasting love for him.