In a bid to find my firm footing again, have started to explore stuff which my passions have been nearly drowned by that jerk. His English name from days of his youth starts with J too. So he would be known now as “J the Jerk” to yours truly. Honestly, I think “jerk” is already very nice to him.
Perhaps another step in the process where my anger is surfacing as I once again have to face another shared environment with him – the same webpage where our names will appear in the same vicinity. I truly pray to the Almighty that our names will not appear one after the other. I’ll flip… literally.
For the first time in years, he has successfully made it to my “hate list”. In fact, I do have a handful of people whom I can count on my fingers who have stayed on my “Irritants to Avoid” list, but no one has officially hit the “hate” mark yet. Perhaps for the better journey ahead, he has to stick in that zone first, so that I can properly heal. Cos I think I still have not come to full view of how badly he has fared as a bf. Perhaps I should consider going on a witch… urrmm.. maybe sorcerer hunt. Ask a few friends who are disgruntled with him to just bash him up. Not literally, but more of sharing with me, no holds barred, how badly he has treated me, even while I was in my dream-state.
Bloody coward. For his cowardice, he has dropped low. Same level as my other guy-friend who also cowardly let go of a good girl, who unfortunately turned obsessive. This got him into a whole saga that lasted a good 5 years – girl stalked, boy hid.
For the first time in many years, I am totally NOT grateful for him in my life. I take back every single affirmation of his character. He… is… a.. downright.. COWARDLY JERK!
The J-jerk is now hiding. Hoping perhaps that I’ll just drop it and let go, and let live. Maybe I should, considering I am actually doing him a favour by praying for the Almighty to corner him. That he may finally face up, rather than evade the issue deep down.
I should perhaps require of him to read through my blog first, before we meet. That I may not need to repeat myself, and he can get on with his apologies.
Then again, will apologies suffice? Restititution? Will I really accept even if he tries to make it up to me? Will anything he does now even suffice to cover the throbs on pain and anguish I have to go through? Bloody coward. Academically established but totally a kid in management of the emotions!
Yeap.. this short of wishing he doesn’t exist… or can just disappear and scoot out of my space, so that I can live my life.
I have now started to enjoy my dps (damage-per-second) hunter and warlock than my healer. Need to shoot someone…
And so… the battle betwixt compassion & vengeance ensues. And yes, hell has no fury as the wrath of a scorned woman. Just pray I will not stop being sane.