Today has seen me at another level of recovery I reckon. Clarity of mind has reached another level to hear the Divine Voice for the Kingdom aspect of life. Found myself inspired for plans for the bunch of friends the Almighty has loaned me to steward for this season. I nearly lost my standing, I think, during that storm. Am just glad that I decided in one moment which afforded me sane mind to take back my territory in the Kingdom, and not ditch everything because of the pain.
I think it is a relief to friends around me: to see me smile, laugh and muck around with people. My jokes actually made people laugh in the past, it’s back again. The wit, the sharpness in catching banter, the discernment of what is of the Divine and what is not.
However, at the back of my mind, there is still this crooning of my neck in looking out for rainbows. In fact, 2 consecutive rainbows. I have seen many rainbows technically these 2 weeks – 1 everyday in fact. lol… Just that they’re “virtual ones” – either posts of others or in movies. hahahaha…. I guess in the depths of my heart, there is still this final little finger holding onto the hope of seeing 2 rainbows. Or maybe just 1 rainbow will do? lol…
Rational mind: Move on, let God lead you to whom He’ll give your hand to – someone who knows how to cherish your heart.
Underlying emotions: How about a sanctified version of him? Can restart? Hasn’t He spoken before?
Personally, I think being amongst friends who are very concerned, I am quite sure if we do restart, I’ll have to convince them that he’s worth the process, yet again. However, I am currently not convinced AT ALL, even if he suggests we give it a go again. Yeap, to convince those I’m close to, I’ll need to convince myself first of all. After all the pain he’s put me through, and after all the effort I have had to expand, in order to stand up firmly again. And still, am not standing very firmly as before yet.
I have been rippled and somewhat crippled for a while. As of now, I am not allowing anyone to ripple my still waters unnecessary. At the moment, the way I manage that is to avoid seeing him or being in the same environments as him. Or to keep seemingly-interested parties at bay. Perhaps wearing the ring on my wedding finger is an unconscious way I ward off unnecessary attention.
A drinking mate cautioned me about rebounding over these 2 months. Well, I am aware of the “opportunities” that abound around me. lol… However, I will need to take on a rational stance for now. My heart is still not cleared up yet – of the ghosts of the past with him. Yeap, it is riddled with pain, but it is also sprinkled with rainbow moments of his affections too. To be truly fair to the next better man, I need to ensure I am cleared up in my heart first, before I step into another process of reciprocating affections from another.
Perhaps, my seeking of a rainbow is to confirm with Abba that I am ready yet again, to step into another phase of my life. Perhaps as a single for life, perhaps as a wife supporting a man of God. No matter. Abba is my portion in life.
“Clarity of mind means clarity of passion, too; this is why a great and clear mind loves ardently and sees distinctly what he loves.” – Blaise Pascal (French Philosopher, Mathematician, Physicist)