Committed

That’s what struck me about my views of marriage when I sneakily took a picture of my parents holding hands, while strolling through the mall.

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They have been through multiple clashes, quarrelled upteemth times, as far as I can recall. 35 years & counting. I’ve never seen my mum leave home, nor my Dad walk away. Granted, he has had suicidal tendencies when I was 7 years-old & he had threatened to throw us off the building then take his own life. But through the storms, I’ve seen the tenacity of both my parents, to pull it through.

Never gotten round to asking them yet, but I reckon, behind the bickering & complaining against each other, there is a commitment that has transcended the “loving feeling”. Not the best form of agape love, but nonetheless steadfast. And this has formed my sense of commitment to the relationship I have walked into.

Just this evening, when I listen to my family chat about places for dinner,  I realise the chosen venue for 2nite’s dinner is uber close to his workplace. On the way there, I was actually bracing myself to think about contingency plans of “What if I see him?” Some form of mild panic attack went on till I finally decided it was safe.

Why do I go through this?

* Because I do not know what to do/  say if I see him face-to-face. Perhaps the question of how he wants us to relate in future still entails. And of course, the unanswered qns of why he walked out just like that, just when we arrive at a critical juncture of our relationship. I guess, yeap,  it was a truly make or break situation. And he decided to break it even before trying to make it work.

* Unsure how I will be affected again,and therefore prefer not to even sight him if at all possible. Because, yeap, I felt betrayed & misunderstood by the man whom I expected over the last few years would have come to know me & trust me enough to be vulnerable.

* I don’t know how my family will react to him, as they know he has walked away & they’ve watched me go through a hellish existence for the last 3 months. Thankfully, I am out of the woods per se.

IMHO, he has called off the raid too early on in the fight. First signs of digging deeper to resolve issues, he flees. To me, for both of us to have known the power of the Almighty to transform lives & has faithfully parted many Red Seas in our individual lives, what is so insurmountable that we can’t even keep committed? Compared with a couple who has walked 35 years together without depending on the Almighty?

Am also grappling with the suggestions of praying for his transformation & possibly walking alongside with him. Truth be told, I prayed for him to be healed. That was a miracle I had asked the Abba for. However, to be walking alongside with him again, as a friend suggested, maybe a sign will be good. Ah.. My personal sighting of rainbows? 2 days in a row? Over the next 40 days to come? 

Reason being, I am actually rejecting good thoughts about him. In order for me to be able to let him go & move on with life. Even rejecting what seemingly are possible turnarounds between the 2 of us. I am really wary of entertaining these thoughts, as I am thoroughly unsure of the future. And it has taken a trip to emotional hell & back, for me to finally be able to be in company of good mates, without feeling down. Moreover, I’ve invested a good 5 years of my life into him. Think it’s really quite enough. Maybe he is really unable to receive & requite that level of affections & commitment. 

Bottomline, I don’t want to go through another bulk of the 生不如死 (Chinese: death is preferred over living) again. Therefore, I am confronting these thoughts head-on. To test those thoughts out against the Word, against the nature of the Almighty.

Over the next 40 days, it is perhaps  time of purging him completely out of my system. That I may move on. Whatever I have “heard”, I am entrusting those back to the Divine Voice  to eventually confirm with me if it’s really Him speaking.

My heart & his heart, I lay in Your hands. Cos U know what’s best for each of our lives.

Having open hands – so you can let go and let God give you something better each time #ki2012 #tomjones

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