* Disclaimer: The following is my heart rantings, which may seem quite irreverent to the Almighty One. Do view with the perspective of a heart with a gaping hole, desperately searching for the Source of life.
Today has been hard. I think because being a planner, I have already planned out his birthday celebration in some detail for this year. List of Jap restaurants to dine at, then wirting small notes for him, and bringing him to a movie of his choice. His gift, I would have selected by February, perhaps purchased in Phuket while I was there.
Yeah… call me pampering gf. I admit it. Perhaps cos I thought he was safe & stable, and we were heading towards eternity together. At least until JC arrives or till death do us part. I enjoy pampering him actually. Nurturing instincts in me perhaps.
Ok… the sobering conversation of how much he has done for me as a bf. Honestly, it has been probably close to 3-4 years of defacto-to-official. And I think the memories will take a while (or horrors! never?!) to be wiped… or rather to become less intense. Throughout these 3-4 years, he has touched me, genuinely, which is the reason why it is bewildering to me.
Yeah.. am back to the same question I had with the Almighty 2 months ago: Why lead us so far just to drop us? Didn’t You say You’ll keep our hearts safe? Perhaps, this is the way You keep our hearts safe – when we both are not able to take on what is to come in each others’ lives? Or in his life? Or is it in my life? This conversation drove me to tears behind sunglasses. Yeap, you might have guessed it: in a taxi speeding down the highway, into the setting sun, Without my Zorro of course, lol…
I thought we could do all things through Your power. Why no miracles this round? Why no transformation of his heart? Why did You allow him to get stuck? Why didn’t You send people to his aid? To speak to him? To help him through with his confusions? Aren’t You the ALMIGHTY?
It is a curious state of heart I am in, I was just realising a couple of days ago. It felt somewhat familiar. Actually, similar to the state of mind, heart & soul when I first came back from my stint 13 years ago. Burnt, lost, unsure what the future holds for me. I also had the similar state of needing to learn to chat with the Almighty again – because I was feeling rather directionless, rather confused at my own state, and especially the weak state I was in.
I found myself in a state where I am rather afraid to be alone with the Almighty again, because I would be at a loss of what to chat with You about. I am tired, of my own repetitive rantings and questions with no concrete answers. That I whispered to the Almighty to just grant me amnesia of the last 5 years, or just take me Home.
I tried to occupy myself, truth be told, these few days. Schedules were changed at last minute. And so, with free time at hand, my heart goes on panic mode. Because it has been a habit for me, to chat during free time with the Almighty, about him. A commitment, to intercede for him. A habit in my mind which I had cleanly forgotten about.
I guess, it’s now a realisation of how deep I had allowed him into my heart & life. How does one patch back a heart torn into pieces, with some portions totally dissipated with the heat? Or does it mean one is required to live with what’s left of the heart? Or do I get a new one eventually? How long will that take?
Why not a miracle of transformation of his heart, his perspectives, his way of seeing life & You & us? I was this close to walking through with him… Why drop us, Abba? Why drop us halfway, without completing what You have started in us?
I didn’t ask for gold nor silver, nor great wealth on this side of Heaven. I only wanted to live a simple life, with a man after Your heart, so that we can walk with You all our lives. Can You hear me?