Escapist Act

These 2 nights have been filled with sporadic sleep. Not because of post-3pm caffeine boost. Not because of stress / worries.

Main reason I know very well is cos I am missing the same one who’s broken my heart. It’s his birthday today.

Truth to be told, I changed my phone because I wanted to escape from the same operating system he uses for his phone. Crazy? Yeah. I guess his abandonement has triggered the escape artist in me as well. Initially wanting to escape from my family, from work, from friends, from church. To get away from our shared environments.

I had purposely deleted his entry in my contact list in my old phone, taking care not to add his contact on my new. I can recite his phone no. – backwards. Just tested: memory intact. Have untagged him from most of my photos on facebook, but he still appears snugly parked on my chat list. What do I need to do to kick him off my list? Unfriend him? lol..

Although my personal calendars are not ringing with reminders of his birthday, I am probably, as expected of myself, going to have him in the special place of my heart for a long time.

Thanks to friends who have asked me pointed questions of exactly how good he has been, really, as a bf. I recounted, and I can’t really fill my 10 fingers… I think I have invested 2-3xs the effort on him. Unfortunately. I’ll blog about this later I guess. A pretty sobering process I reckon. Lol…

I prayed for him last night – that he may allow his heart to be touched by Yours. That he may learn Your perspectives, rather than keeping stubborn to his own. That he may understand Your Father heart for him – that it’s good for him to go through the pain, in order for him to experience peace. That he may have a realisation of his stupidity, rashness, irresponsibility. Escapist, AWOL. The 2nd part, more of my own venting. Lol…

But honestly, am pretty calm in heart. Avoiding checking facebook today lest I see posts for him.

In my heart of hearts, I know very well that I can escape from seeing him physically, but never the snippets of shared experiences – both good & challenging, especially the conversations & intellectual sparring we had…

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