Today has been another victory at work, with much to celebrate.
– Supernatural favour with people whom I work with.
– Amazing amount of brainwaves to get my projects up to speed.
– Actually had a lot of good vibes with my colleagues.
– Boss stepped up & became amazingly encouraging.
– Had a closer look at my work & decided that I am getting quite good at this.
For all of this, I am always humbled at how the Almighty is always watching over my every step. Though there’s this other voice whom I am aware of, not overwhelmed by today, but aware of & keeping at bay.
This other voice keeps suggesting, gently at first, alluringly sometimes, that I am just resting on the laurels – only for now, because things never bode well with me. Look at the man in my life – he ran the other way.
The voice also insists that it’s cos I am “reaping the consequences of some hidden judgement”, that the Almighty is prounouncing on me. Must be due to my tainted motives? Or perhaps, being rebellious in insisting on returning earlier, because partly of investing time in preparation for possible marriage. And so, I am proven wrong, to have rebelled.
And of course, there is this all-familiar guilt-trips that I have not taken care of my grandma properly. And also haven’t brought my parents for a holiday for 2 years now. And not taking enough initiative to pull my family together. The list goes on.
Yeap, that is the actual proportion of flaming arrows the voice chucks my way – for standing firm on the Almighty’s values & excelling by depending on Him & attributing victories to Him, instead of myself.
4 portions of condemnation for every portion of good stuff that I give the Almighty thanks for.
But I will soak myself, in the barrage of flaming arrows, in the undeniably tangible presence of the Almighty. I noticed that my spirit is now sensitised to His presence, because of the many moments when I came to the end of myself: when my reasoning fails me, my analysis baffles me, my trust in perishables / the imperfect is demolished, my hopes in the future is totally marred by my inability to see the light @ end of tunnel. Actually, these are times when I can’t even lift my head.
Moments, or I have recently discovered, days on end, of seeing only the black hole which seems bottomless, and decidedly scary to step into.
Probably the saving grace is my massive enjoyment of just basking in the King’s presence. My appetite for just being with Him has been massively heightened. My heart & spirit just immediately sponge up the divine freedom + rest + affection + strength + focus – as if I’ve been baked dry by the harsh sun. Even just speaking in the Heavenly language with another just immediately relaxes & refuels my heart.
There are days when I just stand still, because that’s all I can do. Can,t move forward. So I just stay stationary & wait for the Almighty to pick me up. There are some days which finds me flat on my back, with a bloody nose, defeated by a series of punches that caught me off-guard, literally. There are of course days when I am on top of the moubtain, ready to take on life at its horns.
But each time I step into the realm of divine exchange, I notice over & over again, how bankrupt I am – spiritually, abilities, emotionally. Where I exchange all of me, for simple life of joy, freedom & peace.