While listening to KLove (www.klove.com), an online radio, something that was said caught my ears & heart:
Worship = What you focus your mind 100% on, where you meditate on that person / something personal. Cos you reckon it’s worth 100% of your mindshare.
I guess it’s similar to ruminating or regurgitating – chewing & analysing the situation to death.
I revisit + recount + replay the scene, words & emotions involved. I sometimes can remember the exact expressions on the other party’s face as well – depending on how intensely the person made me feel at that point. I also notice this: I remember well, not just the painful stuff, but also the intensely sweet stuff as well.
Perhaps that’s why I could last longer with him than an average lady would? lol… <– it's a good sign, I am starting to really find myself quite hilarious…. Cos I remember now, that I replay his affections over and over again – I can still remember his dreamy & gentle way of smiling at me with slightly shy eyes behind his glasses. Duh.. but that's his way of showing he's melted by what I said or do at that point. Hmm.. I am starting to remember the sweet things – with less aches now. My prayer from a month ago. Let's see what happens tomorrow..
I had moved on from hurting for his struggles with himself which I think I have discerned & analysed deeply & accurately enough. I am now at the stage of not being able to be in the same environment with him because he has hurt me too much. He has treated me unjustly. I still have nuances of missing him, but I'd prefer not to see him so that I can continue my current state of just cruising in the waves of healing. That's why choices have been made to avoid stepping into the same room with him – even that space has become too close for comfort. Well… I need the space now to avoid having adverse & debilating, frequently paralysing reactions. Been there, not wanting to go there again.
But then again, that's part of the package right? I made the choice in the beginning. And objectively, I have told people that I am ready to let him go should we realise that it's better we remain friends instead of husband & wife. Harder than I thought when I actually have to do it.
I guess it hurts bad cos it's not a case of joint-realisation. There was no real discussion, no real working through, no real giving-it-a-chance per se. And in some sense, as I see it, he has called the shots throughout the relationship – from waiting till we're both back in the same city, to starting "officially", to finally "shutting down" the heart.
Yeap, I call it a "forced shut down" – cos the laptop is not shutting down quickly enough, and the user is in a hurry to move on to the next task. Lol.. how apt an illustration! I often do this to my laptop – karma? Jokes jokes…
I must have been having this conversation with God for probably the 10th time over this month – What if I won't get an explanation from him, ever (except maybe if we have a chance to muse about it in Heaven)? Perhaps, by the time I finally forgive him, it wouldn't really matter anymore, right? What if I will never get an answer justifiable for all the hurts he's caused me?
Yeah, baby, it's the blaming stage. Been through doubting myself, then massive compassion for his confused heart & mind, to now accepting how selfish he is & how much hurt he has caused me, even during the relationship.
Neh.. Not murderous nor wanting to go on a "hell-hath-no-fury-like-a-woman's" or "make-him-payback" crusade. Crossed my mind to maximise on the social media & splash his "wall". But as a mature & elegant lady, that's below me.
Besides, I remember the Almighty saying "Vengeance is Mine.", eh? Hahahahaa…. Neh… My worldview frames my mind – it's me needing to forgive a hurting human being who is hurting another, though he has tried hard not to.
It's good. Cos I'm starting on another stage where it doesn't really matter anymore what possible restitution he makes to try to right things. That I leave to the Almighty to speak to him, as I always have done & still will do.
I'm starting to chart out new paths, without him in my plans. It will be a scar of war, which I will share with my grandchildren – physical & spiritual – one day, to walk them through some parts of their journeys too.
It is well said that we do emerge with softer hearts after some lashes on our own. I find myself praying more gently for people, more deeply "feeling" & discerning their hearts, refraining from "just-snap-out-of-it" advice.
Cos I know it's not possible to just snap out of it. I will walk out of it, when the heart has had enough healing balm of the Almighty.