Shopping today has an increased level of excitement. Much like days before the “event” – I could actually say I enjoyed shopping today! Directed & focused on what I was looking for, very objective in walking away a possible impulse purchase of a 200-bucks FCUK watch which looks somewhat like the one he gave me for birthday-2011.
But I also realised this just now: that I am no longer feeling the pain all of a sudden. Perhaps aches in heart, but no longer wrenching pain. Hallelu-JAH! Lol…
Was good meeting with friends & chatting about the Kingdom. Joking about our challenges & our wounds. In the midst of it, topic of my wounds surfaced.
– Ache: checked.
– Tears: none.
– Clarity in thought: checked.
– Brutal Honesty: checked.
A friend shared with me that loss of someone you cherish is as if your entire body is on fire. And the way to heal from it is to actually scrub the wound – so that the wound will recover with new skin.
– Crazy – understatement.
– Necessary – absolutely.
I shared with this friend that that was what I resolved with Abba during the recovery. I will dig into my wounds deeply, to allow the worst stuff to surface, so that I can just face the brunt of the pain, and move away to be free.
Pain now, peace later.
(Woah… Cool phrase, it’s the Divine Voice.. Lol)
Srubbing the wound has really helped: probably the most painful experience of my heart so far, but truly, absolutely necessary to really walk into freedom.
To let go, leave behind, release.
Another wise friend enlightened me about relinquishing tonight. Particularly about possibly seeking closure on my own, without his part. Honestly analysed about my own discontent on the support rendered for 2 soldiers who’ve given our lives for the cause. I truly felt squeezed dry & left to disappear in due time. It felt like nothing pre-emptive was done to prevent worsening of the situation. And nothing was done to aid in attempts towards reconciling – but it was a decision of finality from the start. And I was told that it was to my detriment not to accept that finality as a fact. Really?
I am a fighter, and I’ve always fought for what I believe is right, till the Divine Voice is clear with me that it’s wiser to let go. I won’t let go, without at least a fight. And this time, I had no fight, because the opponent surrendered even before the bell went “ding-ding-ding!” And there were no coaches to challenge his white-flag. I feel thoroughly disgruntled & unjustified.
However, after all’s been said & done / not done, things definitely didn’t turn out ideally. As per what I went through 13 years ago in another crisis of heart: I just had to relinquish the unfulfilled responsiilities / covenants / expectations. In order for me to move on with a clear heart. I managed that, 13 years ago.
It is the same lesson. I will probably never be thoroughly satisfied with the reasons given anyway, being how I am. And there are disappointments, unfulfilled promises, denials of fair-dincum, questions left hanging, abandonement.
Am I willing to relinquish the promises & forgive that chap who nearly sent me to the grave? Am i ok to just stop questioning & truly release the expectations I hold of some? Am I abso really able to just remain unjustified on this side of Heaven, knowing God’s grace will cover it all? Afterall, I can do all things cos I have the Almighty, right no? Lol..
Ha.. Another layer uncovered, to be scrubbed raw, so that pain begets peace in due time…