I noticed this about myself: I almost always come out of various seasons of my life quite spent & feels kinda emptied out… I concluded that it has to do with the way I commit to things.
Half-heartedness has never been my best form. When I went into serving in my organisation 9 years ago, I have had a few occasions over the stint that I questioned my commitment & passion. I have never been comfortable just to do things to pass time or to fulfil my job. Sure, it comes in a package – there will be some tasks I like better than the rest. However, I could never sit still for very long without going through personal introspection when my heart starts to disengage or grows numb, with the significance of what I do.
Which is why after 8 years, when I stepped out, I felt spent. However, am glad I am feeling spent for a great cause. I wasn’t burnt-out but more of needing a rest, for the start of another race, in another fashion.
In loving him, it was the same intensity of commitment, perhaps a tad stronger. I am a whole-hearted type. Devoted to the end. Literally, as someone said: I really tried so hard that it seems my life depended on it to work. Perhaps, it has tilted towards that way. Personally, I would rather not love him, if I was going at it half-heartedly.
No wonder I am feeling spent. Nope. I was feeling spent for the last 9 weeks. I am recovering. I am letting Abba take hold of my heart & mend it together. Scars to stay – as a testimony of how U’ve brought me through.
I am glad, truly, that I have loved like I did – because I have processed through much of my womanly fears, concerns, issues of worth vs expectations, values vs preferences, how to respect the man in my life (though I feel like wacking him sometimes)…
I save these lessons for those whom U will bring across my path. I save my heart for U & for the one whom U’ll stir my heart for in due time, or U may be coming back soon right? Haha…
Cos of the way U designed me, and cos I am Your daughter, I deserve a man with a fully-engaged heart, who’ll cherish me & who’ll protect my heart, cos his heart has been touched by Yours.
Yet another near-death of my heart, but I survived. I will live another day, to tell of Your love, to sing of Your faithfulness, to get drunk in the joy You will pour into me.. =)