Of Codfish & Tears

Codfish is a pretty rich & yummy fish. Seared, steamed with ginger & plum (mum’s super dish), or baked – it seems like one of the most versatile fish one can satisfy the gastronomical desires with.

Fish being one of my faves, codfish has ranked very highly on my chart-toppers for yummiest food ever to pass through my sensitive palattes. Till the recent event, that is.

After the jarring announcement, I developed a gagging response towards codfish – which I used to devour with much enthusiasm & truly savouring every slurp of the smooth & milky taste. Truly, emotions has a strong impact on our physiological response to life’s elements.

Was not cos my mum overdid the codfish diet. But simply cos codfish is one of his & my faves, and also his mum cooks codfish often when I have meals at his place with his parents.

What used to taste so sweet has now become a gag-reaction for my sensitive palette.

Tried it yesterday for dinner with some apprehension. Some residual nauseating feel but a lot better than 70 days ago. Hallelujah to that!

My tears, has been my constant companion. I wonder if this was part of the reason I felt more dehydrated than usual – cos the taps kept flowing.. Lol..

For the 1st 30 days, it was helluva intense. Was like auto-response towards any stresses, thoughts of him, randomly-accessed memories of us, triggers by any elements of suggestion towards relationships/marriage… In fact, the list goes on. Cos I have, unashamedly, had many of life elements tainted by his existence & our shared experiences.

But I realise that, as time passed, As I accessed each memory, I would grieve as thoroughly as I know how to. Hmm.. How thoroughly can one grieve? Let me try to describe the process:

1. Barrages of “Why?” – why did it happen, why is it not possible, why did he give up, why wasn’t there any attempts to reconcile rather than immediately kill any possibilities? Barrages in the plural cos there are multiple occurrences, usually without any warnings. They just seize my heart & won’t let up. But the grip is easing over time, thankfully.

2. Anger at him – for misunderstanding me, for making life truly difficult, for taking the route of fear rather than faith, for not even talking through things before making the decision, for being selfish in deciding without considering my perspective.

3. Anger at God – for leading me this far just to drop me off the process, for thinking I can heck the excuciating pain, for letting him drop off into fear, for not fighting for me, for not making his life as difficult as mine, do U really write my love story?

4. Grappling with Impact of Pain – external elements which are impacted, specific losses to grieve, affected relationships I have to give up, changes to plans which I have made (being a planner), when exactly will I be able to make it to the light at the end of the tunnel (which seems to always be at a constant distance even though I am inching forward), will I be able to face others in the community (especially mutual friends)?

5. Acceptance – of what has occurred, of what is permanent, damage already done, explanation that wd never suffice, lame excuses for cowardly decisions, limitations of patience of the patient, unresolvable dilemmas, my own altered perspectives of life & faith, my own need to grapple & move on…

6. Choice: Move On / Stuck Forever – yeah.. There will at best be pity from sideliners of my life with “Poor woman…” When it comes to the bottomline, it will be my choice – move on or get stuck in this 4ever till Kingdom comes.

So after many tear-filled bowls, it still comes back to my choice at this point of my life… Because someone made a choice which affects me rather permanently…

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