Perhaps one of the constant battles during this season is that of how much I am worth actually. Since yet another person has chosen to walk away…
The 1st bf walked away, also without any news, when I was 17, waiting at the bus-stop for he who never showed.
The current beau walked away, with a rehearsed script, but later shared a different story with others. Leaving me more bewildered at this man I used to love.
Yeap… Not a stranger to rejection really. To the naked eye, there seems to be a “rejection” / “abandonement” streak in my life. As a daughter of the Almighty Maker, I would of course, refuse to allow this to bruise my personal esteem. Now that I know my worth.
Perhpas it runs in my family. Or at least, another member of family seems to have this in her as well. Her string of bfs, before getting married, seems to have treated her less than acceptable but she clung onto them for quite awhile. Is this a reflection of me & him as well?
I saw a semblence of his “tantrums” in various stages of our walking closer. In the earlier stages, being an introspective woman, who believes in Socrates’ axiom for life: “An unevaluated life is not worth living”, it was an immediate response of my heart to reflect what I had done wrongly to offend him.
Then later, as I learnt from God, I realised that the occasions of me vs him being “ridiculous” is quite equal. As in.. I come to see very clearly that I am not always in the wrong or have done something to offend him.
In that process, I also learnt to see what was necessary to confront & chat about, and the battles I decide to be too small to fight. Well… From recollection, I can count with my fingers the number of “serious talk throughs” we had… Cos I have made a constant effort to be a strength to him, not a drainer of his life / joy.
The Divine Voice (DV) has always been my constant companion, more intensely so during the “warring” seasons. Actually if we had open battles, maybe it would have been easier to resolve issues? Perhaps. Doesn’t matter now I guess.
The DV has always spoken to me to resolve the small irritations & learn to accept him as a package – desirable & undesirable parts of him. It has been trying, but I put in my 200%, in my endeavour to love him as a whole, not just what I admire about him.
In sparring thoughts with the DV, I also recognise that there needs to be a good timing to speak about things, especially that pertaining to values & character. And being his closest friend, I should pick up the onus to speak to him gently, yet very firmly about his areas of growth. Perhaps my mistake was to be too patient & unconfronting.
That’s because I really wanted to just abide by the DV’s promptings. Attempted to be the Godly gf who’ll pray through 1st before confronting – only when absolutely necessary, and at a “good” time.
The nightly prayers, over 5 years, have been steadily rolled back, because it was becoming too painful to pray for him. It is now the time for me to rest my heart first, to get it sorted, before I can even see him again, without going haywire. To become friends & be in same environment again? Can’t guarantee I can do it in the near future.
I have asked the DV this question before: can he really handle the depth of my heart? I guess the answer is “no”. So be it. Let the next better man step up to the play then.
For some moments in this season, I did wonder about my worth, if I am even worth anyone’s devotion. A really dear friend of mine reminded me: only the One who exchanged His life for me can tell me how much I am worth.
I know that I am worth His life, His devotion, His courting of my heart.