Seeking Job-like Faith

If there is ever a chart I’ll set up for the “Top Advice Given by Caring Friends when Life Throws a Curveball @ U”, I’m quite sure for me the top 3 would be:

1. U’ll become stronger through this. Hang in there!
2. U’re strong lady! I’m sure u’ll be fine.
3. Ur experiences will bless so many in future!

My responses, short of tipping the cynicism scale:
R1. Why do I need this to become stronger?
R2. So all tough things happen to me cos I’m strong enough? I’d rather be immature then!
R3. So I’ll prob wanna consider becoming a sex-slave to minister to the child prostitutes better?!

At the point of intense pain, as with my observations of friends going through trials, and even myself, it’s hard to really see this. For a while, even the usual “all things work for your good cos u love Abba” sounded like a canned response from a fortune cookie.

Today, I had to break the news once more, to another well-meaning friend who asked when is the wedding coming. I realised that my heart dies a little, every time I “declared” it. Is this the objective of it? To eventually kill the heart so that I can be given a new one?

Feeling less intense pain can mean I’m getting over it. However, it can also
mean I am getting tired of accessing that hurt cos I hate what the pain is doing to my life, my passions, my focus on the Almighty.

Burying the pain then? Hopefully not.

Cos one of the crazy things I set out to do, in order to heal, is to allow myself full access to the pain – the full-blown stabs into the heart, finished with 2 twists while the blade is in the heart. I wanted to get deep into the pain, to allow God to heal it well.

Maybe I am in the state of secondary shock. Going into shock is nature’s way of protecting the injured from feeling the pain too severely? Perhaps. As per numbness – felt numb & could get some “rests” from the pain, before it comes throbbing back.

Secondary shock cos the pain is surfacing once again. This time more due to my feelings of losing my footing in my faith, the values I held dear, the principles I firmly believed in. And somehow, I felt I am letting my family, close friends, and my Almighty Abba down.

In accessing the pain, I know the Almighty will speak, if I look up to Him, through the tears, the cry for mercy from the deepest recesses of my heart. The silent scream if you’d like.

Perhaps aptly said by Elijah in “The Fifth Mountain” (Paulo Coelho):

There are certain trials that occur in our lives which are unavoidable… For some reason.

We will not understand the reason before, or even during the trials. Only after we have overcome them that we understand why they were.”

And yes, the greatest trial of my heart to date. But Abba, as promised in my weakened whispers to U, I will cling on to U & all the good things U want me to stand for, even if it takes my last ounce of energy.

Simply because I know that U will never let me go…

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