Some friends were kind enough to check in with me yesterday, which was kind of the worldwide day of love – Valentine’s Day. To ensure I was doing ok & not overly affected by the day. A nice friend even went out with me for dinner & basically allowed me to share – in summary form – of what has happened. To top the night, God sent a super-kind taxi uncle who actualy took out my training trolley from the boot & helped me place it on the ground, and even pulled up my handle! *clap clap clap* for great service!
All in all, am thankful, really… Especially knowing that God has sent angels to watch over my heart, and even in the form of a taxi uncle who showed tender care. Reminded of Heavenly Abba’s intimate care of my heart…
Today, in 2011, in fact, is the day which we celebrated our 1st, and perhaps last Valentine’s. We have decided not to spend excessive money celebrating the commercial day. And so had a simple dinner, with a simple bouquet & a self-assembled puzzle bear from him, which he says he assembled while being watched by an aunty who applauded his patience to complete.
Today has been a good day for me – focused & truly excelling in most of my tasks today. However, the much dreaded solace after all the busy-ness, is the space which I am randomly accessing memories again.
To me, it is still a mystery really – the real reason for the sudden decision. Or perhaps, he has been thinking about it for a long while now. 3 months to decide & change mind on what has been built up over 3 years. Can any wise soul out there help my finite mind wrap around this? As some concerned friends would ask: Is he ill physically & doesn’t want to burden me?
I just accept that am perhaps caught in his season of massive confusion within himself as he tries to grapple with the boredom, the frustrations & adjustments (body, mind & spirit) of the mid-life issues most men would face, at a certain point of their lives. Where, he can’t give up on anything, except to alleviate the suffocating responsibility of having to think about me & eventually marrying me.
Dramatic life? Yeah, so far.. Most major life decisions I had to make seems to include at least a tad of the dramatic – either the process, or the aftermath.
Moments like this, I remember advising many I have mentored: sometimes, we will have to live with the fact that we will not know the “Why?” on this side of Heaven.
Honestly, I seemed to have completely lost the stable, sensitive, balancing, spiritual beau whom I have known some time ago… Who has shared that our finally coming together was a blessing after our time on the field… Just a few months ago…
Somehow, am also reminded today of how much I’ve walked through with him – transition from field, to settling down on the miraculously set-aside post which he left for a season, to regaining momentum spiritually… Aren’t these parts of what has built our hearts together? Or maybe, just maybe it has been my own illusion?
Days as such filled with randomly-accessed memories, though much less intensely painful compared to 2 months ago, I wonder if it’s all been a beautiful dream turned nightmare. And I am waking up from this heart-wrenching slumber real soon… Right, Daddy?
I am walking away, because I am asking for a way out of something I am unable to stand up under… A challenge which has proven too hard for my soft heart… But I have thought that with the Almighty, all things are possible?
Aye, I hear You, the One who whispers in my heart: there is a human choice involved, which U will not bend because U have given us free will to choose.. And yes, he has chosen to walk away…