Matt Hammit wrote a very apt song “All of Me” when he & his wife were struggling with their unborn child’s heart condition, with the possibility of not living beyond a few months from birth. The question then is: can he love with just a part of his heart? Just in case the baby dies, he will not feel so much pain…
In my dictionary of loving someone, there is no “just in case”. For someone who thrives more & more on being “safe” and a thousand contingency plans, I have taken the plunge, when confronted with how much of my heart do I give to him.
A plunge which has left me quite scarred, ripped apart, death seemingly the better way… The pain of being vulnerable is the price of loving someone unreservedly. But really.. Honestly.. Is there such a thing as loving someone 50% or 90%? Or loving someone safely?
For a die-hard romantic, perhaps this is my path I have chosen to take. I will not give part of my heart easily… But yet I can’t love without giving 100% of my heart.
I take my cues from the Almighty Abba.. Who loves me unreservedly, who never walks out of me while I am down & out & struggling with my weaknesses, who will walk through with me in the shadows of death, who will comfort me with His heart bared to me… That’s how He shows me how to love… Unconditionally, unreservedly…
CS Lewis puts it very aptly:
To love is to be vulnerable… Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken.
Yet… If asked if I wd love the same way.. 100% unconditional & unreserved? My answer would still be a firm “Yes!” But the condition is: That guy would have to inspire me to say “Yes” with an exclamation mark. No less…
I know in loving him, I have been true to my heart, tried my best as I know how, obeyed the Almighty as far as I can go. When he threw in the towel on me, it hurts like I’ve been gutted and left to die a slow one.. But I know I have been true to myself, and the distance I am prepared to go with someone for life.
I had wanted to walk through with you… Perhaps I have already mentally rehearsed my vows before we even walked down the isle. For better or for worse, in sickness or in health… But that was my commitment to you. All in process of retracting.. Slowly but surely..
Much as anger assails me by night, tears accompany my flashbacks of you… I still pray for our Abba’s blessings on your heart & life. I loved you… I can’t bring myself to say that now without hurting.. And so now I let you go… To our Almighty Maker… Whom I know loves u much more than I do.. Be well in Him, my love, my friend..